Woe is me.

Fuck it all.

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:46:09 -0500

I am ugly and unlovable and no one, no one could ever love me.

Wah wah. Fuck everything.

It would be nice to feel beautiful and important. I feel like a ghost.

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:00:32 -0500

It would be nice to feel beautiful and important.

I feel like a ghost.

Sleep will come soon.

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 11:15:02 -0500

My gumption is growing.

Friday night, I took all of my Xanax.

…sadly, it was only 20, and my husband wrestled me until I choked on them and spit most of them out. They all partially dissolved in my throat and on my tongue. All that came of it was some bruises and I felt really calm and fell asleep, then woke with a massive headache the next day, and my mouth still feels fucked up and dry.

It was not enough to have killed me, anyway. And the time isn’t right.

But it won’t be long.

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?Nescio, sed fieri sentio, et excrucior.

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 11:09:32 -0500

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
Nescio, sed fieri sentio, et excrucior.

The only thing that brings me comfort now is planning my death. Thankfully, my plans are almost...

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 02:08:55 -0500

The only thing that brings me comfort now is planning my death.

Thankfully, my plans are almost complete.

“There’s dust on my guitar, you fuck. And it’s...

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:03:31 -0500

“There’s dust on my guitar, you fuck.

And it’s all your fault.

You paralyze my mind.

And for that, you suck.”

Good news.

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 10:14:21 -0500

My life insurance policy doesn’t hold a suicide clause.

“But I can’t help the feeling I could blow through...

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:28:40 -0500

“But I can’t help the feeling

I could blow through the ceiling

If I just turn and run

And it wears me out…it wears me out

It wears me out…it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted

If I could be who you wanted all the time…all the time”

I saw the last half of this documentary last night. It was nice...

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:43:19 -0500

I saw the last half of this documentary last night. It was nice to see that there is someone out there who is fucked up like me, but I think if I did a list like this, I would just finally commit suicide when I was done with it. Like - ok, I did the things I wanted to do, now time to get off this ride.

“and believe me there’s a better frankenstein for...

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:27:59 -0400

“and believe me
there’s a better frankenstein
for you to bride
and a better president
to look you in the eyes and lie
we could never decide
what to call the cat
so we called her cat
and it’s time to go
it’s time to go away
it’s time to go
it’s time to go away”

"‘“Fat” is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her I..."

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 11:45:55 -0400

“

‘“Fat” is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her

I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’

‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’

What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.

”

- Jk. Rowling (via brokenindividuals)

I’m 30, and I still think about running away from home.

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 21:53:23 -0400

I’m 30, and I still think about running away from home.

I’m sick of never being good enough, no matter how hard I try.

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 18:07:28 -0400

I’m sick of never being good enough, no matter how hard I try.

Why do I have to suffer? The horrors I have lived through, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I so...

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 14:38:34 -0400

Why do I have to suffer? The horrors I have lived through, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I so badly want to be better, to be a survivor, to be strong, to live the life I dream of.

But my past is like quicksand, holding my ankles, slowly swallowing me until I suffocate. I cannot escape. I cannot see anything but what is behind me. I see no future; I have no hope. I am damned. I have never been wanted. I should not exist. My life is a mistake.

I just want my heart to stop beating and my mind to go silent.

I should get up and do something. At least make myself breakfast, since it is after twelve p.m. now....

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 12:39:50 -0400

I should get up and do something. At least make myself breakfast, since it is after twelve p.m. now. I should take a shower, put on a real outfit, and get some housework, homework and errands done.

But instead I am hungry, smelly, in my pajamas with my hood over my head, moping on my couch doing nothing but hating myself for not doing the things I should be doing.

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. When I was 19, the diagnoses of Post...

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:38:24 -0400

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. When I was 19, the diagnoses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Generalized Social Anxiety Disorder were tacked on.

For 19 years, I have been in and out of treatment, on and off medications, writing to let it out and fighting to keep it in. All the while, I have felt like an alien or a ghost.

Mental illness is a horrible thing to live with. It is an illness, but it still isn’t regarded as such by so many people. People think you should just “get over it” and feel fine. People wouldn’t expect me to just “get over” my crippling arthritis. People feel uncomfortable if I mention that I am depressed and anxious, but they feel sympathetic if I talk about how badly my joints and bones hurt.

It’s horrible that people like me are ashamed of how we feel, and it’s sad how alone we feel.

Fuck.

Watching terrible TV It kills our thoughts Getting spacier than...

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:15:04 -0400

Watching terrible TV
It kills our thoughts
Getting spacier than
An astronaut
Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can’t believe what I do
Late at night

I wanna know what it’s like
On the inside of love
Standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We’ll know what to do
I know the last page so well
I can’t read the first
So I just don’t start
It’s getting worse

I wanna know what it’s like
On the inside of love
I’m standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I wanna know what it’s like
On the inside of love
Can’t find my way in
I try again and again

I’m on the outside of love
Always under or above
I can’t find my way in
I try again and again

I’m on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you

I wanna know what its like
On the inside of love
I’m standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I wanna know what its like
On the inside of love
Of course I’ll be alright
I just had a bad night
I had a bad night

I feel so loved in my dreams. I wish I could feel this way while I am awake.

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 10:50:44 -0400

I feel so loved in my dreams. I wish I could feel this way while I am awake.

What is wrong with me?

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 13:55:39 -0400

For the last five days, I have been feeling relatively happy. It feels unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable, but nice.

…but I know better than to believe that this will last. Something will happen, or something inside me will just change, and the black cloud that I live under will return.

Hoodies help me keep the world out.

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 18:17:22 -0400

Hoodies help me keep the world out.